Cursed
So, I head down to the bar earlier tonight and I'm sick of every CD that's in my case, so I trudge through the few cassettes that I have in my car until I find a compilation that I put together nearly 10 years ago. I had put it together as music for a "soundtrack" to a screenplay I was working on at the time called "Cursed". No, it was not the crappy werewolf flick by Wes Craven, this predated that. This was a gay coming out love story. It basically was my therapy at the time. I sublimated all my sexual energy and yearning into this sad story about two teen star crossed lovers. I called it "Cursed" because that's how the lead character, JD Wyatt, and also how I felt (at the time) - cursed because we were gay. While it was a character, I invested a lot of myself into him, I mean a writer usually passes off many of his inner workings into the characters he creates, but this one particular character really resonated ... simply put it was basically me.
Anyhoo, so I put in this tape that I haven't listened to in years and suddenly I'm transported back in time. It put me back in the summer of 1997 when I was interning in L.A. for J. Todd Harris Productions. I was so lonely that summer. I didn't have but a couple friends out there that I hardly saw, I was in the closet and too afraid to even say "gay" much less be it, and it should have been the time of my life. While I remember the work experience fondly, it was far from being the time of my life. I would listen to this tape every day on my 40 mile hike from Long Beach to downtown L.A. It was a companion and these songs were so representative of not just the screenplay that I wrote, but of so many of the things I was feeling at the time.
As I drove down to Central Station tonight to meet some friends and I played this tape, I realized with startling clarity that I am still chasing, yearning, longing for all the same things that I wanted so desparately way back in 1997. That realization made me incredibly sad. It's been nearly 8 years and I still haven't been in a serious relationship. I haven't fallen madly in love with someone who was madly in love with me, I haven't found that person who "completes" me. Not only that, I also am not the success that I predicted. All my life I'd felt I was destined to be great in whatever I did. That's not being cocky, but that's the only future I ever saw for myself. Things always came so easy for me, I never really had to work hard at anything like school or music or anything (besides sports) that I set my mind to. I never really knew how I'd get there, but I truly thought I'd be successful by now, someplace entirely different in life than the place that I now find myself. The truly scary part is that those eight years have gone so fast. I always say there is no point in having regrets, but I do have to wonder where I would be in my life today had I made different decisions. What if I had come out in school and embraced and loved myself then the way I do now? What if I had done as my mentor suggested and moved to L.A. after graduation to pursue screenwriting? What I had done as my grandparents urged and majored in something practical like law or engineering? What if I'd have had the confidence to start really chasing after this music dream of mine way back in my teenage years when all I breathed and lived for was writing and singing music? Or what if I had moved to New York to be an actor like I had planned on once upon a time? What if I had went to grad school? What if I had never left Texas and followed my mom who, let's face it, has been dependent on me, to Baltimore?
These are futile questions I'll never have answers to. All I know is my life is not what I expected and definitely not what I'd hoped for. That's not to say I'm despairing. I do believe I'll find love one day, hopefully sooner than later, and I do believe that if I stick to my guns and really get after this music dream of mine that I will suffer but in the end it will pay off and I WILL have the success that I've always dreamed of. But what will it matter? Will it have been worth it? Will I find myself in another ten years still wanting, yearning and chasing after the same things that I am now? Could there be anything more pathetic than that?
"But I won't cry 4 yesterday. There's an ordinary world somehow I have 2 find." - Duran Duran, Ordinary World
Anyhoo, so I put in this tape that I haven't listened to in years and suddenly I'm transported back in time. It put me back in the summer of 1997 when I was interning in L.A. for J. Todd Harris Productions. I was so lonely that summer. I didn't have but a couple friends out there that I hardly saw, I was in the closet and too afraid to even say "gay" much less be it, and it should have been the time of my life. While I remember the work experience fondly, it was far from being the time of my life. I would listen to this tape every day on my 40 mile hike from Long Beach to downtown L.A. It was a companion and these songs were so representative of not just the screenplay that I wrote, but of so many of the things I was feeling at the time.
As I drove down to Central Station tonight to meet some friends and I played this tape, I realized with startling clarity that I am still chasing, yearning, longing for all the same things that I wanted so desparately way back in 1997. That realization made me incredibly sad. It's been nearly 8 years and I still haven't been in a serious relationship. I haven't fallen madly in love with someone who was madly in love with me, I haven't found that person who "completes" me. Not only that, I also am not the success that I predicted. All my life I'd felt I was destined to be great in whatever I did. That's not being cocky, but that's the only future I ever saw for myself. Things always came so easy for me, I never really had to work hard at anything like school or music or anything (besides sports) that I set my mind to. I never really knew how I'd get there, but I truly thought I'd be successful by now, someplace entirely different in life than the place that I now find myself. The truly scary part is that those eight years have gone so fast. I always say there is no point in having regrets, but I do have to wonder where I would be in my life today had I made different decisions. What if I had come out in school and embraced and loved myself then the way I do now? What if I had done as my mentor suggested and moved to L.A. after graduation to pursue screenwriting? What I had done as my grandparents urged and majored in something practical like law or engineering? What if I'd have had the confidence to start really chasing after this music dream of mine way back in my teenage years when all I breathed and lived for was writing and singing music? Or what if I had moved to New York to be an actor like I had planned on once upon a time? What if I had went to grad school? What if I had never left Texas and followed my mom who, let's face it, has been dependent on me, to Baltimore?
These are futile questions I'll never have answers to. All I know is my life is not what I expected and definitely not what I'd hoped for. That's not to say I'm despairing. I do believe I'll find love one day, hopefully sooner than later, and I do believe that if I stick to my guns and really get after this music dream of mine that I will suffer but in the end it will pay off and I WILL have the success that I've always dreamed of. But what will it matter? Will it have been worth it? Will I find myself in another ten years still wanting, yearning and chasing after the same things that I am now? Could there be anything more pathetic than that?
"But I won't cry 4 yesterday. There's an ordinary world somehow I have 2 find." - Duran Duran, Ordinary World
posted by Saturn at
12:59 AM
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